But You Can't Pick Your Friends Nose...

"Isn't a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'Practice'?" 

-George Carlin

Yeah, just a tad...

This might seem a bit redundant but here's another doctor story for ya. So, I'm sorry if you think you stumbled upon some 80-year-old blogging grandma that only blogs about her aches and pains and how her grandchildren are better then your's, it's just that so many funny things happen when I go to the doctor. It brings me some sort of sick joy... after the fact. Remember how I mentioned a gap in my childhood? No, not the one about never seeing Disney's Cinderella until I was 17. The one about my inability to swallow. Yes! That one! Well, still no cure. So that equals another test! Which constitutes shoving a tube down my nose and into my stomach. Really people? Isn't there and easier way? To which the evil doctor answers, "Mwahahaha, yes but THIS, this way brings me some sort of sick joy (maybe I should change my major) so we do it my way! Mwahahahah!" 

BUT...

Of course nothing can go normal for me when I go to the doctors, it's just physically impossible. Blood pressure... simple enough procedure. I can do it myself and I'm not even a nurse. Ummm, I'm pretty sure the cuff is suppose to be tight but I'm also pretty sure I should be able to feel my fingers. Just an observation. To which the tech responds, "This has never happened before." What a shocker! It took a good ten minutes and many cuff burns to find out that my veins were pumping just fine. Just don't show em' a needle and no one gets hurt. Except, I almost wish there had been a needle involved but no, dear readers, I was awake the whole time. 

But my nose was numb. You know how hard it is to breath and to keep your bogies  in check? Almost up there with Stats... almost. So once my nose is on longer under my control, they stuck the tube in. I know there must be a hole in your nose or you wouldn't be able to breath, but come on people have any of you found your's? I know ALL of you have picked your nose at sometime, there's no denying it. So this mysterious hole.  They found it, but then they couldn't find my throat. Remember that song, "The hip bone's connected to the thigh bone. The thigh bone's connected to the knee cap." Yeah that one. Apparently, these people never learned the verse that went, "The nose cavity it connected to the throat." Or maybe it never clicked. Or maybe that's way I can't swallow... I have no throat! That would cause some problems. Just minor... no big deal problems. 

No worries, the medical people (I really don't know if they were nurses or techs) did what they always do, call in reinforcements. So the specialist came in and guess what? He use to live in my ward. It's one thing to have a complete stranger stick something up your nose, but someone you know? It's a little strange. You know that phrase 'you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose..." 

I guess getting it into the nose is the hard part and after that it's easy... except when you are a medical mystery. Well, the man from my past solved the problem and the tube was well on it's way to my stomach. Then I had to sit there for ten minutes while the tube warmed up to my body's temperature. When you have a tube sticking out your nose, you learn some pretty interesting stuff. Life when you breath, your nose twitches. When you swallow, your nose twitches. When you laugh (cause going to the doctor always makes me free thinking and free speaking, which causes me to laugh. Someone's got to laugh at my jokes), your nose twitches. And Twitching causes the tube to move up and down. Oh, the comments I would have made if I had been a teenage boy... oh, wait, I did make them. I think this immaturity comes from the fact my voice still cracks. Yes, I made comments about bogies and elephants... the whole package. Oh, Danielle...

Then the fun part... pulling the tube back up. This includes having one nurse counting backwards the centimeters as it comes back up my nose. You too can go to nursing school and learn how to count backwards. (Don't worry, I'm not bashing nurses. This comment came from one of their own, and it was funny so I swiped it.) I  could only swallow when they told me I could. You know how hard it is NOT to swallow when you are told you can't? It's like being told don't think of purple elephants. What do you think of? Purple elephants. Don't swallow... dang... I just did. Well, eventually the whole tube came out and it was all done. With only four swallows and one laugh attack marked on my record. It was rewarded with the best PB&J sandwich I've ever had in my life. It's amazing what tastes good after hours of not eating. 

This should be my last aches and pains complaint... but no promises. Anything funny is free game.