lol...How Can You Laugh at a Drowning Man?

A day without laughter is a day wasted. 

- Charles Chaplin 

Q: What do you get when you cross a long weekend with my family? 

A: Knee-slapping inside jokes...

...That I feel the need to inform you of. If you laugh because you get them you are either A) part of my family B) know my family REALLY well or C) just laughing because everyone else is doing it. What you will think of my family afterwards... I can't really say. Identities have been kept a secret to protect the guilty.

Only YOU can prevent wildflowers!

First off, he's a king that has 20 wives and 30 concubines and then he tries to make a move on you... talk about drama!

Just spit it out man!

I need a band-aid and some neospern. (No, I did not misspell that... it's how it came out.)

Person A: We were giving free paint but we don't want you use it because it is light blue. That's just not the color for an 11 year old boy.

Person B (Who happens to be a man): My room is light blue... and I'm not joking.

Person A: I don't even know what to say to that...

Person B: I'm just gonna stand here and blush...

Person A: Well, I think we all know what color we're going to paint the room!

WHO'S TALKING ABOUT CHILD NUMBER 2?????

Is this tradition?

No, it's just us being weird.

You plucked the whole turkey!?!?!

Only one feather per blessing.

Tripdaphane... tripdaphone... triptofin...

Try Tryptophan.

Or we could just socialize.

We are spending our thanksgiving afternoon proving a statistical known fact. Wanna join?

He's just grateful I'm not plucking him.

What if the paperclip had been outside the cup the whole time? 

The scriptures warn us about the attitude of, "Eat, drink, and be merry!"

And what did we do yesterday?

Basically ate, drank, and...slept? 

Who needs TV when you have a family like mine! 

Thanksgiving Happiness!

I would maintain that thanks is the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder. 

G.K. Chesterton

I Am Grateful For...

My Family 

My Roommates and Friends

 My Neighbor Kids... and Kids in General 

The Temple and the Blessings Found Within 

My Country and Freedom and the
Grand Experience of Discovering Another Culture 

And Most of All, My Savior, Redeemer, and Mediator Jesus Christ.

Silent Gratitude Isn't Much Use To Anyone.

-G.B. Stern

Beware of Chewy Water

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your 

high school class is running the country.” 

 -Kurt Vonnegut

Or your whole Jr. High class works at the local grocer. 
Whoa, they got far in life. 

Today I adventured into that lovely city called Magna, which in Latin means great or large. Pause... just hold one a sec, while I go laugh in the corner uncontrollably. Breath, breath. Oh right, I'm back. If anyone knows ANYTHING about  Magna they know there is nothing great or large about it. It was once a thriving mining town but is now turning into something that resembles a mix between a ghost town and a government housing development. All it needs is for a tumbleweed to roll through the middle of town. Ok, it's not that bad, but I am only exaggeration a little.

Don't you see the need for tumbleweed?

No, this whole post is not about bashing Magna. It's about three years of... cough... sputter... choke, choke... fond memories that took place in Magna, where you have to chew your water. Or in other words, Jr high school. While running errands today, I drove past good old Matheson Jr High, and the memories came flooding in, some of them that have been repressed for years. 

We were the Tigers and or colors were
Green, Blue and Yellow... go figure

It is state law that a school has some many fire and lock down drills. Let's just say Matheson never had to schedule one... they just happened... naturally. Let's time travel back almost seven years, to eight grade. PE class to be exact. Here I am running the timed mile (cause that is all you do in PE, is run the timed mile, while the teacher sits on his lazy butt) when the fire alarm goes off... for the second time that year. By this time we all know the drill and head for the nearest exit. And wait in the back parking lot... and wait... and wait. By this time PE is done (thank goodness for that!) and we are halfway through the next period. And so much that rule about keeping with your class. It's just a mad free for all or runny, screaming preteens. When they finally let us back in, the story filtered through the students fast... faster then the teachers knew what was happening.  Two girls in the bathroom. And the plot thickens. With lighters. Who get this genius idea to put them right next to, what they thought was, the automated sprinkling system. Where did all this brilliance come from? But it gets even better. These were not water sprinklers, these were black foam dispensers. The kind that sucks the oxygen out of the air and causes less water damage. But here's the clincher... the black foam dyes everything. Clothes. Skin. Hair. The Culprits. Even if they hadn't been dyed black from head to toe, I still wonder how they thought they were going to get away if they had been being soaking wet... Regardless, they were caught pretty quick, and I got out of two full periods of class. Thank you stupid girls. 

Then there were countless garbage cans that somehow spontaneously combusted. 

Next on the list of required drills... lock down. This one was actually because of outside forces and not because of some preteen who's head had not been fully connected. Ninth grade was when the immigration debate became extremely heated in my area. Or the first time a actually noticed.   

There was a huge protest going on around my school. People were actually coming on school grounds and throwing rocks and banging on the windows. Many students who's parents were immigrants or immigrants themselves didn't show up to school that day, and many more walked out of school to join the protest. We had police at every entrance and to have special clearance to get in and out for seminary. It was one of the most terrified I have ever been. And an eye opener. For the first time I realized that no debate had a wrong side or a right side. Just normal human beings stuck in bad situations, trying to do their best. Everything became more grey to me that day. 

While maybe my math, science, and reading skills suffered from going to Matheson, my street smarts increased and my empathy and understanding for other expanded. I now know how to identify the smell marijuana and the look someone has when they are high. But I also know intense pain is usually the reason and the outcome for drug use. I now know the colors and other identifying makers for most of the major gangs in Utah. But I also know the human feeling of wanting to belong somewhere, anywhere, is a strong pull and leaves a desperate void that needs to be filled.  As Albert Einstein once said, "never let... schooling interfere... with education." So, my schooling lacked, but I sure did get an education.  

They see me mowin'... my front lawn

"True friends are always together in spirit."

- Anne of Green Gables

Here I am sitting, watching the BYU vs USU game realizing I never documented my amazing weekend trip to visit my longtime friend Susan, up in Logan. But better late then never. Susan has been my friend from before birth and I mean that literally. In the Spirit World Sus and I were best friends so we made a pact that birth would not separate us. So we put our little angel skills together and made sure her dad didn't get the job in Idaho and mine didn't get the one in Wisconsin. I mean, we were that good! We were only separated for six months when we both sensed each other in a sacrament meeting. So we did what any other babies would have done that shared brainwaves... we bawled. (just so you know, we still share brainwaves) And promptly had to be taken out to the mother's room, where our moms met and found out we were related. So not only is Susan one of my best friends, she is my fourth cousin. We've been inseparable since. Even through two ward changes and going to two different elementary schools. Our friendship even lasted through the interstate rival of BYU and USU (hence the reminder I needed to write this) although I think USU sees it of more of a rivalry then BYU does... just saying. Hope Susan will still love me after that comment. :)

Anyways, we've gone back and forth to visit each other and it was my turn to enter into the 'hurd.' My first full day there we did some porch sitting. Which constitutes sitting on the porch and waiting for cool  people to come and talk to you. It really works! You sit... on the porch... and boys come and talk to you. Why did I not think of this before! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! I realized how much I missed the whole collage experience. It was great.

That evening we went to the USU fight and a hockey game broke out. And let me tell you... I have never seen so many bitter fans. They weren't even playing their imaginary rival BYU. It was Montana State for goodness sake!  One of their favorite chants is, "Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!" A player got ejected from the game... has that EVER happened in the history of hockey? I thought no matter who bad your 'foul' (I am showing my lack of knowledge on the subject of hockey) you just got put in the 'time out' plenty box for 10 minutes like a bad little boy, and then you could come back in and play? Well, you thought wrong, Danielle. Anyway, I went with Rebecca, my other friend that is also roomies with Susan, because Susie-q was on a date! So of course when Susan and her date sat three rows in front of us, what did Becca and I do? Threw candy wrappers at them. Real mature. And then took funny face pictures. So needless we turned into those annoying girls that real sports fans hate. You know the ones that talk and laugh through the whole game? The ones that distract the avid hockey fan because we have no clue what it going on. Yeah, that was us.

Before the game. How pretty! 

At the game... how pretty?

After the game, Susan was still on her date, so Becca and I had to find some age appropriate way to entertain ourselves until she came home.  So we wrote all of the lyrics to that classic song, White N' Nerdy on every single mirror in their apartment. The bathroom, the hallway, each bedroom and even Susan's little personal makeup mirror. Yes, we did. It took us almost two hours but was so worth it.

Oh, Weird Al... how we love your brilliance 

And this one too!

Then another classic college tradition. A Beto's run at midnight and talking about the date while eating our spoils!

 Saturday consisted of getting up late and watching the pink bible version of Pride and Prejudice in our PJs. Then off to half of a football game. Perfect recipe for a fall Saturday! Afterwards that high adventure began. Susan and I went rock climbing with two guys from her ward. You know that phrase what goes up must come down? Well, I have this talent of 'coming down' before I even get up. That's right I biffed it even before I made it to the rock. This consisted of me sliding on my belly down the trail almost all the way back to the road. It was a good thing Becca talked me into changing into a t-shirt. One of Susan's friends had to help me up. Oh, embarrassment. And of course I am prideful but there was really no way out of the situation but to... gasp... accept a boy's help. Curse my inner feminist!  It turned into a really funny situation about how he really wanted to hold my hand, and succeeding and me checking out his butt. Yeah, don't ask, it just happened. But guess what? After my fall, I actually went up! On a rock. In real nature. I really did, although I have no pictures to prove it. Sad day. Susan and I were just so excited to go we forgot our camera. Going down the trail was fun too, cause we had no light and it was pitch black. When we finally got down, one of the boys announced that he realized he had a flash light the whole time! Silly boy! It was classic. Four people struggling... through the dark... over real rocks... in real nature... just to find out they had a light the whole time. Oh, well. After gettin' dirty and feeling like a boy, Susan and I decided we needed to have some balance in our lives and do something girly. So we grabbed Becca and went to the mall to buy smelly lotion and pretty jewelry. And because I was visiting and it was my last normal day, I went to the mall in my 'naturally sandblasted jeans' and the grunge look. So girly...

Not me... not even close. But that is about as high up as I got.
 Just wanted to give you a visual

Thanks to Rebecca Black I now know that after Saturday, Sunday comes afterwooords... which for the Mormon community can sometime be the busiest day. Church, dinner group, making treats for ward prayer, going to ward pray, watching a mormon movie, and staying up until 3 in the morning talking about boys. Yeah, just another Sunday for a stereotypical single Mormon girl. Oh, and get this... the lesson during RS/Priesthood was on dating and the law of chastity. Typical. I now remember why I chose to go to the family ward this summer/fall. I had to go home the next day and Susan had to go back to class. Why, real world? Why? But it was just the break I needed!

So it is the end of the game and BYU lost, but no worries Susan and I's friendships is still intact. :D

But You Can't Pick Your Friends Nose...

"Isn't a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'Practice'?" 

-George Carlin

Yeah, just a tad...

This might seem a bit redundant but here's another doctor story for ya. So, I'm sorry if you think you stumbled upon some 80-year-old blogging grandma that only blogs about her aches and pains and how her grandchildren are better then your's, it's just that so many funny things happen when I go to the doctor. It brings me some sort of sick joy... after the fact. Remember how I mentioned a gap in my childhood? No, not the one about never seeing Disney's Cinderella until I was 17. The one about my inability to swallow. Yes! That one! Well, still no cure. So that equals another test! Which constitutes shoving a tube down my nose and into my stomach. Really people? Isn't there and easier way? To which the evil doctor answers, "Mwahahaha, yes but THIS, this way brings me some sort of sick joy (maybe I should change my major) so we do it my way! Mwahahahah!" 

BUT...

Of course nothing can go normal for me when I go to the doctors, it's just physically impossible. Blood pressure... simple enough procedure. I can do it myself and I'm not even a nurse. Ummm, I'm pretty sure the cuff is suppose to be tight but I'm also pretty sure I should be able to feel my fingers. Just an observation. To which the tech responds, "This has never happened before." What a shocker! It took a good ten minutes and many cuff burns to find out that my veins were pumping just fine. Just don't show em' a needle and no one gets hurt. Except, I almost wish there had been a needle involved but no, dear readers, I was awake the whole time. 

But my nose was numb. You know how hard it is to breath and to keep your bogies  in check? Almost up there with Stats... almost. So once my nose is on longer under my control, they stuck the tube in. I know there must be a hole in your nose or you wouldn't be able to breath, but come on people have any of you found your's? I know ALL of you have picked your nose at sometime, there's no denying it. So this mysterious hole.  They found it, but then they couldn't find my throat. Remember that song, "The hip bone's connected to the thigh bone. The thigh bone's connected to the knee cap." Yeah that one. Apparently, these people never learned the verse that went, "The nose cavity it connected to the throat." Or maybe it never clicked. Or maybe that's way I can't swallow... I have no throat! That would cause some problems. Just minor... no big deal problems. 

No worries, the medical people (I really don't know if they were nurses or techs) did what they always do, call in reinforcements. So the specialist came in and guess what? He use to live in my ward. It's one thing to have a complete stranger stick something up your nose, but someone you know? It's a little strange. You know that phrase 'you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose..." 

I guess getting it into the nose is the hard part and after that it's easy... except when you are a medical mystery. Well, the man from my past solved the problem and the tube was well on it's way to my stomach. Then I had to sit there for ten minutes while the tube warmed up to my body's temperature. When you have a tube sticking out your nose, you learn some pretty interesting stuff. Life when you breath, your nose twitches. When you swallow, your nose twitches. When you laugh (cause going to the doctor always makes me free thinking and free speaking, which causes me to laugh. Someone's got to laugh at my jokes), your nose twitches. And Twitching causes the tube to move up and down. Oh, the comments I would have made if I had been a teenage boy... oh, wait, I did make them. I think this immaturity comes from the fact my voice still cracks. Yes, I made comments about bogies and elephants... the whole package. Oh, Danielle...

Then the fun part... pulling the tube back up. This includes having one nurse counting backwards the centimeters as it comes back up my nose. You too can go to nursing school and learn how to count backwards. (Don't worry, I'm not bashing nurses. This comment came from one of their own, and it was funny so I swiped it.) I  could only swallow when they told me I could. You know how hard it is NOT to swallow when you are told you can't? It's like being told don't think of purple elephants. What do you think of? Purple elephants. Don't swallow... dang... I just did. Well, eventually the whole tube came out and it was all done. With only four swallows and one laugh attack marked on my record. It was rewarded with the best PB&J sandwich I've ever had in my life. It's amazing what tastes good after hours of not eating. 

This should be my last aches and pains complaint... but no promises. Anything funny is free game.