The Case of the Undefeated Lawyer

Before Law and Order and even before Matlock... there was another super-human lawyer, one of course that never lost and always caught the real murderer. Perry Mason. I don't know what it is about boys and Perry Mason (and Pawn Stars... but that will have to wait for another day), but my padre watches Perry Mason every night after the news and since living at home I have too... half-heartedly. It is really hard to tell characters apart when everything is in black and white. Through an (kind of)  intense study of this show I have discovered the real meaning of the law. I will now share this knowledge with you.

What I have learned from Perry Mason...

1. All the legal terminology. 

I object! (Me too!)

Counsel is leading the witness! (Blind leading the blind)

This evidence is irrelevant, inconsequential, and impartial. (Ok, I totally made up that last word, but it was another 'I" word) 

Did you or did you NOT murder this person? (Get straight to the point)

2. With a name like Hamilton Burger... you were born for failure.

3. Beware the seductive women. Whether she comes in the form of a wife, girlfriend, secretary (sexist stereotype), or lover, it doesn't matter... they usually did it. But don't worry, that chauvinistic pig of a man, who would never love them and who is now dead, had it coming! 

4. If it wasn't the seductive woman, it was the seedy looking man, who secretly either lent or embezzled  money to or from the deceased. Or was secretly in love with the seductive woman. Love triangles and money, the root of all evil.

5. It's ok to bend the rules if your client is innocent. (Hey, Mason is a lawyer, not a saint. What'd you expect?)

6. If you say, "Over my dead body!" or anything to that effect, be prepared for your character to be found dead in the next scene. You asked for it.

7. If you happen to run into the scene of the murder, don't run away or try to hide evidence... Call the police!

8. Oh, and don't touch anything, stupid!

9, Not following 7 or 8 can lead to your arrest for a crime you did not commit. 

10. So, if you DID happen stumble across a crime scene, put your fingerprints ALL over  the murder weapon, and then promptly ran away without reporting a dead body, just make sure Perry Mason is your lawyer... he only takes the innocent ones. 'Cause he never looses. You wouldn't want to ruin his perfect record.